New Neighbour II

So what has been eating the fat balls at such a rate? Caitlin solved the mystery when she saw a woodpecker of the Lesser Spotted variety having a good old go at them. That was an adult complete with red cap, I have since seen what might have been a juvenile.

New Neighbour

My garden is separated from farmland by a neighbour's garden and a long disused railway embankment. It has a lot of 'owners' from a very vocal wren, to a beautiful robin and several blackbirds who are currently scrapping it out to impress the ladies.

Yesterday afternoon we heard a noise like a rusty metal door being wrenched open, C said, 'that sounds like a pheasant'. And there he was on the bank in all his glory. Today he was on my neighbour's fence. I think he has moved in.

Magic Bullet

So tempting, so very tempting. Weight Watchers has a brand new diet, a new points system that takes into account calories, saturated fat plus carbohydrate and protein. Its an updated way of counting intake, I would image it incorporates the low glycemic science as WW were already recommending food choices that fits into this.

The temptation is to give into the instant gratification that you get when you first decide and then subscribe (ie pay over the money) to the latest book/plan/programme. This is the Magic Bullet that is going to solve all problems, launch you into the weight loss you have sought for all these years.

Mum has joined the Swillington WW class again and is trying to get to grips with the new plan. I vowed never to go back to the class and I won't but the temptation is to either buy the plan (£60+) or subscribe to the online version and do it at home. Because, once I decide to do it I will feel great - its very tempting.

However I know  ...

• What I need to eat and do in order to lose weight
• That after two weeks of slavishly planning and setting up menus I will will flag and lose interest
• That once I flag I will go into the downward spiral that leads to a period of binging

So, this time, no Magic Bullet. Just planning good food in reasonable quantities and more walking.

No aims, not goals, no daydreaming with the calendar and calculator. Just getting on with it.

Kindle

I have a Kindle and it is wonderful!

Ruth called me to ask if I had thoought about getting one, which I had - who hasn't and she proposed buying me one for Christmas so that I could 'troubleshoot' for her!

I didn't know what to expect, it certainly wasn't what I got. Its small, light and really easy to use once its set up and you have it on the wi-fi network.

It is easy to make the text bigger, I have it bigger than the normal page. I will be able to use it for knitting patterns as documents can be emailed to to your Kindle account at Amazon and they appear on the device within minutes. Its a bit of a pain scrolling about the page but its doable.

It is terrific for reading whilst I am knitting because it sits on the small bookstand on the small table that I keep in front of my knitting chair at the perfect reading angle. No fighting with books to get them to sit on the bookstand (usually requiring the spine to be cracked) and to turn pages on a thick paperback.

It is also terrific to read in bed. No back light but the same lighting needed to read a book suffices. It takes the strain out of holding the book as you can hold it at an angle if, like me, you read lying down on your side. You can also prop it up at an angle and read hands-free!

I used it the whole journey on the way back from Norfolk and its perfect on the train - one hand to hold it and press the turn page button.

The plan is to use it for the books I buy but do not keep - I have already read Kate Morton's latest and will read the last of the Larsson trilogy next.
This won't be one of those new fads that fades in the second week of January, it has boosted my flagging interest in reading, and solved the problem of text size v my new varifocals that was becoming a pain.

Hmmm

Found out the reason for the difficulty walking any distance, back ache when standing and possibly the problem with the arms: an additional 14 lbs since I last weighed myself. Not surprising, not distressing just inevitable given when I have been eating for the past 6 weeks or so, which means I am 22lbs heavier than I need to be to wear my jeans.

No resolutions, no goals, no despair. Just eating mindfully and making an effort to move more.

Done!

All done! Under the stairs, the pan cupboard, the flour cupboard and the tin cupboard all done. Stuff has gone to charity, some is in boxes in the garage, things have been moved around and every cupboard has space in it.  

Even pulled out the cooker and cleaned the sides and floor. I'm knackered, now need to work on winding down so I can sleep tonight. Norfolk tomorrow.

Decluttering



I am done prevaricating about decluttering. Tomorrow it starts. Cupboard under the stairs first - all out and sorted into piles: charity shop, to be stored in the garage (the baking tins I don't want to get rid of, the picnic stuff) and the stuff that needs to go to the tip.

Then the kitchen cupboards, another session to go though the the bedroom cupboards and the office. Tomorrow night the house will be clean and tidy so that when I come back from Norfolk on Saturday I will feel calm and happy when I walk through the door instead of cringing at the mess.

Being tidy makes me less anxious and anxiety is something I am working on beating. That nub of fear that lurks at the pit of my stomach has to go. I am tired of laying in bed, sleepless, as the nub germinates and puts out insidious tendrils that grip my innards and invade my brain, whispering, ' you told them that a hundred times before, they were just being polite, you are a bore,' 'he betrayed you,' 'they are laughing at you you pathetic, old, ugly...,' 'how are you going to sort that tomorrow, you can't do that, you are useless,' and on and on. Or the most dangerous voice of all, the Mummy voice - 'you've done really well, you deserve a treat,' 'there, there, never mind honey, eat this  and you will feel better.'

When I get the compulsion to binge I always follow it. If I defeat it once, it will appear later and I will follow it then. It is always a lot of food eaten quickly and mindlessly. When I finish I feel calm, the anxiety goes. Then later the guilt comes and the voices.  

I am sure that I need to have therapy to deal with this. I tried CBT once but I didn't follow it through, lots of reasons, one being that I didn't trust the therapist the other that keeping the diary of moods and causes that they ask you to do was seriously dragging me down and I don't want to deal with all of that on top of everything else.

I know that I have some seriously fucked up ideas about myself and the way I interact with the world. Recently I have tried to consciously slow down, to relax, to 'go with the flow' rather than jumping in first . Because of this I enjoyed Christmas enormously, time spent with friends and family has been sweet.

The picture is the Farne Isles from the beach between Bamburgh and Seahouses. This beach is my happy place, it is where my soul is free. It represents my aspirations, where I want to be, how I want to feel.  

Tomorrow I start the decluttering, the sweeping of the cobwebs, the clearing out, the creation of space.